Day 4: A Robin Sings

It’s 4 AM. Dawn has begun its slow stretch toward the sun. Out the window, there is not yet colour, only the lifting of shadow.

I think of You through the watches of the night.

A robin is singing. The horizon is not even perceptible, but this light is enough to waken her song. Her chimes are a gentle call to prayer. She doesn’t need full daylight. Just the promise of what’s to come.

When I awake, I am still with you.

She sings, and I know I am not alone. I know there is beauty in the dim hours of morning. A quiet love rustles the trees and steals through the screen, breathing freshness over the bed.

I lie still, and know that You are God.

~lg

Confession: Fear and Weakness

Father,

Do you see me as a failure? Does your disappointment rise with the stacks of dirty dishes? Do you get fed up with my meltdowns?

I fear your retreat more than anything else.

Try harder, work smarter, let the baby scream, and git ‘er done. Is this your voice? Where are you when I need you?

I don’t know what happened, but I hit a wall. I’m gasping for breath and the tears squeeze out on my pillow at night, and maybe tomorrow will be better and I’ll see you smile, but maybe it won’t, and I dread your silent disapproval.

Tiptoe through the mess, scramble over the mistakes, there’s no rug to sweep this under. Put on a brave face, and above all, don’t show weakness.

Do you understand. Can you understand? Do you want to? Or do I need my act together first?

The only thing worse than feeling weak is trying not to feel it.

I have heard you say, “My strength is made perfect in weakness.” I have heard you say, “Love is patient, love is kind. Love keeps no record of wrongs.”

Oh, give me ears to hear once more, and faith to believe.

If you really mean it, would you find your way over the mountain of my inadequacy, would you put your strong right arm around me and help me stand?

Do not despise my confession, or I will crumble. Will you love me in my weakness?

~lg

Day 2: Prayer Fail!

Today was a bust. I was going to pray. I was going to write about it. It was going to be (modestly) inspirational. It didn’t happen.

Nope, not at all.

In the morning I was tired. I thought about praying, but decided to wait till I was more awake, and then I got busy.

In the middle of the morning, I was rushing around getting us all ready for a morning outing. We didn’t sit down for a snack, so we forgot all about it.

At noon we were all hungry and cranky and the baby was crying.

Mid-afternoon the baby was crying.

My husband said grace at supper. Win!

The baby cried this evening too.

So here I am, past my bedtime, and I still haven’t really prayed. I thought about it, but didn’t actually do it. Does that count for anything? I suppose it’s something that the spirit is willing. (The flesh, on the other hand, needs exercise. These darn habits can be so hard to get going!)

I’m trying to think of some fitting Bible verse to meditate on as I drift to sleep, but I think I left my Bible downstairs and I’m cozy in bed. I’m even too tired to google it. The only thing I can think of is this:

Into Your hands I commit my spirit. 

I’m not trying to be melodramatic, I’m just worn out, and I believe for tonight He will take me just as I am. Sleep is a gift and I will embrace it with thanksgiving and try again in the morning.

~lg

Off-Kilter: Praying My Way to Life Management

Time has an odd quality to it these days. My newborn is now two months old, and though it seems she’s been here forever, I can hardly believe how April and May have disappeared. With many things being new, and other things being busy, we haven’t really settled into a routine yet, and I am feeling slightly off kilter. There doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day for what needs to get done.

Many aspects of life need balancing, and I’m not sure how to go about time management. Then again, it’s not just time management, it’s physical bodies and actual spaces and a thousand tactile things, not to mention my own brain. I need life management!

Maybe there’s a blog or a book or a planner or a magic schedule that could figure this all out for me, but the trouble is, those things aren’t personally invested in my life. Helpful as they may be, they don’t know the needs of our family, won’t step in and finish the dishes, or soothe the baby, or read to my kids, or dry my tears of weary frustration.

So it’s June 1st, and I would really like to feel less dizzy this month, but how?

I had an idea late last night. Now, it could be the smooshy wishful thinking of baby brain. Or it might just be a lightning bolt from heaven. We’ll have to see. But this is what I thought as the baby finally settled into the bassinet:

Maybe I can pray my way through this. 

Yes, there is always the “Help me God!” cry that I know never goes unheard. But I’ve written before about a habit of prayer, the kind of prayer that punctuates and permeates the whole day. Habit has the power to change things. And even more, God has the power to change life.

Sadly, but perhaps not surprisingly, many of my prayer habits have fallen by the wayside lately. I need to pick them back up. I’m not sure exactly how this will work with the flexibility that a young baby requires. But I’m going to put this thing to the test. Is a habit of daily prayer possible at this stage? And does it have the potential to bring order to my whole messy life?

What gives me hope is that I won’t be entrusting my days to some nebulous idea of “time management.” I’ll be entrusting them to God himself. And I know he is definitely invested in my life. Ok, maybe he’s not going to scrub the pots for me, but at least I can talk to him while I do it.

What if I counted my day by prayers instead of hours? What if I could find a greater rest beneath the busy moments? What if I could see the to-do list through His eyes? What if I prayed my way to life management?

I’m willing to try. And I’m hoping to write a bit about how it all goes here. We’ve all heard that prayer changes things, but maybe you’re a mom with a new baby and scattered thoughts and laundry that is literally never done, and you’re not sure. Or maybe you lead some other kind of busy or fragmented or stuffed-at-the-seams life, and you’re not sure. Can it actually change the everyday? Can it bring order to chaos and meaning to mundane and space to breathe?

Let’s try it.

~

To read more about my journey of prayer, click here

~lg

Gerard Manley Hopkins’ “Spring”

Nothing is so beautiful as Spring –          
   When weeds, in wheels, shoot long and lovely and lush;          
   Thrush’s eggs look little low heavens, and thrush          
Through the echoing timber does so rinse and wring          
The ear, it strikes like lightnings to hear him sing; 
   The glassy peartree leaves and blooms, they brush          
   The descending blue; that blue is all in a rush          
With richness; the racing lambs too have fair their fling.          

What is all this juice and all this joy?          
   A strain of the earth’s sweet being in the beginning 
In Eden garden. – Have, get, before it cloy,          
   Before it cloud, Christ, lord, and sour with sinning,          
Innocent mind and Mayday in girl and boy,          
   Most, O maid’s child, thy choice and worthy the winning.